Hannah Kra

I'm sitting in the car waiting on a friend. I got here early so I expected to sit for a minute. Instinctively, I pull out my phone and begin to scroll through Facebook. Up until a month ago, I didn't have any of the Facebook apps downloaded. (I succumbed when I finally decided it would be easier to trade shifts at work.) I still don't use the Facebook app because I open Facebook on Safari out of habit. However, I'm scrolling and scrolling and I see all this talking amongst friends and can't help but ponder why we do this. Why do we live vicariously through the screens of our phones? It's a common argument we all have seen before, yet we, I specifically, find myself drawn back to the front page of Facebook time and time again. It's a desire for fulfilment I know I won't find.

Sitting in the car this just made me physically ill because of this. It's sickening how much control this has in my life and how hollow it leaves me feeling.

A while ago, after pairs, I wrote about being afraid. I'd like to end my post with it now.

My biggest fear.

I fear the silence.

I sit at home and watch tv.

I read a book.

Go to a park.

Listen to the people.

I watch tv. I keep it on for as long as I can.

My in between moments.

Between waking up and going to work.

I fear that when it turns off the silence will become too Loud. That the thoughts in my head will remind me.

Regrets.

Decisions I didn't make.

People I didn't talk to.

Conflicts I didn't help resolve.

Big and small.

Today I splurged on coffee.

The silence reminds me I could have helped someone who didn't have coffee.

I keep the tv on. Because I'm afraid to confront these thoughts. Because one day, any day, that silence will become permanent.

It will be the last thing I hear.

It will become so loud it consumes me.

And it will never leave.

One day, there will be no chance to turn the tv back on.

But I am to complacent to change.

My selfish needs turn on the tv so I don't hear the silence.

I've come so close to the silence, I should be fighting out to make it disappear.

Yet I shrink inside. And it grows louder everyday.

The problem isn't the ignorance to fight it.

The problem is I'm not strong enough.

So I turn on the tv.

I have always declared I am not much of a music person. I have decided this to be a lie. I love listening to music, but I find that it can be emotionally taxing. I have this wonderfully horrible ability to associate songs with specific memories and have an even harder time dis-associating these things once its happened. However, there are a few songs in my life that have never grown old for me. I somehow blindly decided that I was going to write about my 12 favorite songs. It was fun. I’ve discovered I am very much a Rock n’ Roll girl.

1. Hallelujah- Leonard Choen

Originally written in 1984, this song has been covered by over 300 artist in almost every language. (woo wikipedia) Of course, like many people my age, I’m pretty sure the first time I remember hearing this song was in the movie Shrek back in 2001. That song instantly became one of my all time favorites. I remember having the Shrek CD in my portable CD play constantly hitting the back button to listen to this song over and OVER again. Recently, Jordan Smith from the TV show The Voice (I don’t watch/know how this show works, I just saw the clip of him on Facebook) covered this song and I fell in love all over again. This song has a way of being whatever emotion I need it to be when I’m listening to it. Grateful, Passionate, Lamenting, I never get sick of listening to this song. Like many of my favorite songs, it contains a narrative yet it remains vague enough that the hallelujah refers to the many hallelujahs we find in our lives. The infinite amount of covers of this song is a wonderful gift to re-discover and re-interpret this song time and time again.

2. Take Me Home, Country Road- John Denver

This song very well ties for the first spot. Recorded in 1971, this song has been an iconic part of american history since it’s release. No one in my family is explicitly a musician, yet I have fond memories of my dad strumming the guitar singing this song. Idyllic road trips, sunlight streaming through the trees as we pass through all the different states. Every time I hear this song, I flash back to the perfect autumn day with my dad singing along. Now, of course, my memory may have altered itself to be perfect, but the best part is my dad and mom sitting in the front seat singing along. I have never been to West Virginia, but that song makes me feel at home and at perfect peace with life every time I hear it. Probably one of the few songs in the country/folk genre that will ever top a list of anything for me. This song in every way is the embodiment of pure happiness.

3. Old Time Rock n’ Roll- Bob Seger

When people ask me what my favorite genre of music is I always say rock n’ roll. So it should come as no surprise that this legendary song tops my charts. This wonderful homage to rock n’ roll was written by George Jackson in 1978 and in 2001 was recognized as a “song of the century”. Rock n’ roll is a genre of music that has transcended decades continues to rock the hearts of many. This song will never ever fail to have me singing at the top of my lungs, dancing in my seat (or with a drink or two, standing up.), and tapping my toes. The soul of this song resonates deep in my heart and will forever be the song to wake me up and feel alive.

4. Long Cool Woman (In A Black Dress)- The Hollies

Released in 1971, this song sold over 1.5 million copies in the US alone. This song is classified as “swamp rock”, a genre of music I admittedly did not know existed until I began writing these reviews. However, swamp rock seems to be perfect to describe this song. This song alone makes me want to pack up my car and head down to New Orleans to visit my family. The first time I heard this song was in Remember the Titans (one of my favorite movies, but thats another list for another day.) You remember that video montage this song plays to in the movie? Thats exactly how life looks to me when this song plays. Like some vintage grainy wonderful montage. This is the song that inspires my all black wardrobe. I desperately want to be the Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress for the rest of my days.

5. Pour Some Sugar on Me- Def Leppard

Admittedly, I should not like this song nearly as much as I do and for the reasons I do. Yet, this is a song I can’t shake from my favorites because I will always come back to it. Released in 1988, I can’t remember the first time I heard this song. This is a song I’ve just always liked. However, 6 or 7 years ago Coyote Ugly made its way into my life.(Disclaimer: I have a love/hate relationship with that movie) I have to tell you, no other song in the history of songs I have ever heard have tempted me to stand on a bar and pour water all over myself. If there is one song I should never get drunk to, it’s this one. Me and my three feet of hair would not be able to resist that temptation. This song is a powerhouse and singing along thats defiantly how you feel: powerful.

6. Give A Little- Hanson

This song is the first song on this list that is not extremely popular. Written by the Hanson brothers in 2011, this song was my instant favorite on their Shout It Out album. I’m going to backtrack a bit here and say that Hanson has been one of my favorite bands since I was second and met my best friend. It only helps that they are from Tulsa, OK as well. Hanson has always been a pop band with heavy influences of rock. This album though took a bit of a more upbeat soulful turn than previous albums and I have to say I LOVE it. Any song with a good horn solo will grab me instantly (SEXY) however, this song not only nails the upbeat fun spirit I dig from Hanson, the lyrics of the song are what grab me for this song. I’m a closet romantic and I love how adorable and wonderful this song is. I love that it preaches to the masses that sometimes you just have to “Give A Little”. This song is the song to woo me with.

7. Your Song- Elton John

“You see i’ve forgotten if they’re green or they’re blue.” Elton, you have spoken directly to the bumbling romantic in me. In 1970, this song came out and took the world by storm. However, I didn’t hear Elton John sing this song until much later in my life. You see, growing up (ugh, this is going to sound awful.) my family permanently had the Moulin Rouge CD in our car. None of us kiddos saw the movie (don’t worry) but without a doubt, we knew every song from that movie. Ewan McGregor definitely aced the bumbling fool in love. I love singing along to this song. It’s amazing how you can almost see magical lights appear in the air around you as this song plays. So peaceful, so intimate. I would never be able to sit through this song if someone serenade it to me. My cheeks would be a solid red and my heart would just burst.

8. So Close- Jon McLaughlin

This song was written in 2007 by Alan Menken and Stephen Schwartz, and technically is a Disney song. However, I’m letting that slide due to it’s more pop-ballad influences rather than the traditional Disney sound. To anyone who thinks this song is happy, hopeful or romantic. YOU ARE WRONG. This has to be one of the saddest songs ever. You’re right. It sounds cute, it sounds magical and touching. The lyrics are all there, but it’s a song about being so close to that happy ending and still not quite able to make it. For the context of the movie Enchanted, this is heartbreaking (and quickly resolved). Despite all this, I love this song. It pokes at the romantic in me while keeping me grounded. It makes me want to twirl down Main Street U.S.A. in the arms of someone wonderful. It makes me want to sit on my couch, crying, with a giant bowl of ice cream. It’s always perfect for me whether I’m cloud 9 or rock bottom, and I truly appreciate that.

9. Never Been to Spain- Three Dogs Night

This song speaks to me as an Oklahoman. The first time I heard it, Hanson was covering it at one of their concerts. Now many of my fellow Oklahomans will agree that Oklahoma is far from heaven as the song implies. However, Oklahoma is home. This song is a classic rock song that embodies, for me, the joy of knowing where home is. I have roots, a foundation in Oklahoma that this song brings me back to. I guess, getting down to it, there is a bit of pride behind this song. It makes me happy that, despite having this deep wanderlust, I still have a foundation. It’s a song that makes me smile. Its a song that I play real loud with the windows down. For all you Oklahomans, this song is an Oklahoma sunset.

10. With You in Your Dreams- Hanson

Throwing back here to the old days of Hanson, this song came out in 1997 on their Middle of Nowhere album. This was probably the first Hanson album I heard and owned. This song is not a song I listen to a lot. However, this song was one of the songs that made me less afraid of death. Wow. Heavy, I know. I’ve always found this song to be extremely calming and peaceful. More recently, I feel this song has re-entered my life once again helping me cope as everything around me changes. I heard somewhere that the songs you listen to between 7-16 are the songs that will remain your favorites because they directly connect with growing up. (puberty and all that jazz). Hanson has always been a pro at releasing songs that I need and I have to say, I really wish they would re-release this song so I could hear it now that they’ve matured and grown as artist.

11. Dream On/Love in an Elevator- Aerosmith

I love rock ballads. I have to tell you, Dream On (1973) is a song that you just can’t not get into. It really packs a punch and is the first Aerosmith song I ever heard. However, that being said, I adore the song Love in an Elevator (1989). That song has just the right amount of raunchy humor to make me smile the whole time. “Mr. Tyler! Going down?” Bah! Gets me every time. Anyways, I couldn’t choose between the two and I’m pretty sure I could listen to both (despite the fact they are starkly different) all day long back and forth. One of the things I have always adored about Aerosmith is their ability to create these powerhouse songs that you just can’t help but sing along to.

12. A Little Less Conversation/Santa Claus is Back in Town - Elvis Presley

Have I ever told you how much I love Elvis? If we’ve ever had more than one conversation, I probably have. Aside from Dick Van Dyke, the king of rock n’ roll is my old-time dreamboat of a man. (Obviously, young elvis. Pre jumpsuits.) Growing up my best friend had a shrine to Elvis on her walls and I remember just staring at him all day long thinking. “why can’t guys look like this?” Such a dream boat. It’s not much of a stretch to understand why these two songs tied for my favorite Elvis songs. Both songs are wonderfully seductive and embody the rock n’ roll I adore so much. Right now it’s the Christmas season, which means I have Santa Clause is Back in Town on almost permanent repeat on my phone. I love that it takes a bit of a raunchy spin on the christmas classics, adding a bit of sinful fun to the pious season. (Don’t take that the wrong way, I love Christmas. Christmas music is my third favorite genre of music.) Little Less Conversation is very similar with it’s upbeat tempo and playfully seductive lyrics. But let’s be honest, who can resist that purr in Elvis’ voice

Starting college, I can tell you the order in which I made friends with my best friends (and in some cases, reconnected with some of my old friends to become new friends.)

The very first person I ran into on college move in day was Quinn. I was walking through Walmart with my parents when I heard an old familiar cry of "Hannnaaaaaaaaaah" from the other side of the super-center. Quinn and I knew each other in high-school, but this was the first we talked in college. (To be honest, I have no idea how I met Quinn- we've just always been friends.)

Kelsey and Carlos came next. Also friends from high school, I had stayed really close with Kelso and it wasn't long before we met up on campus. Carlos is a mystery to my memory but he was there one day and I know I am so happy that he decided we were cool enough to stick around. Bonnie was the fourth person to push her way into my heart, she moved into an apartment with Kelso and I at the beginning of sophomore year and despite moving away at the end of the year, has remained one of my closest friends to this day. Sara came next, becoming our roommate when Bonnie left. Sara had been coming to family dinners (a Thursday night tradition we shared) but she truly became one of my best friends after we moved in. We got to know each other so well and is one of the people I can trust to tell anything to. Nikki came next. Nikki and I knew each other in high school, and to be frank, did not get along. In fact, I'm not sure when things changed (wine fuelled femenist night?) but I am over the moon we overcame our differences. Our completely different lifestyles gives me a much needed perspective on overcoming adversity and Nikki knows how to be the light when nobody else wants to shine. The last person to find their way into my friendship pow-wow is Lauren. (This will be slightly amusing later in the post.) Lauren also when to my high school, however graduated a year after me. I knew Lauren in passing and only got to know her after she and Carlos began dating. Lauren is a breath of fresh air. A girl with opinions to share. To be honest, I was caught off guard when I first met Lauren and was unsure of how to proceed to be her friend. However, I Lauren is a person I hope sticks around for a long time.

It may have felt unnecessary for me to preface this next part with backstory, but I feel it helps understand a bit better. These friends are family to me. While college was not far from home, it was far enough that I didn't have the familiarity of mom and dad to rely on. Most college students understand the difficulty of this transition, even if not readily apparent. To find people who I could turn to in any situation who became my rock (and hopefully I theirs) was a life-saver. I have many friends but I cherish these few in a way that comes only once in a lifetime.

This being said, I have watched slowly as each of these friends slowly found significant others. I wouldn't say it was a search for any of them, but as the years passed by I have seen almost every one of hem fall in love. When I met Quinn he had already been dating Alex- I don't know how long they've been together (6+ years) but I can't imagine one without the other. Kelso came next when she reconnected with Daniel and the two have been dating going on 3 years now. Lauren and Carlos weren't far behind, as they began dating 2 months after Kelsey and Daniel. Sara came next, meeting Jackson eight months ago with Nikki meeting Matt only a month after that.

(Shout out to Bonnaroo who still remains single in Utah. I can't speak for you, but maybe you relate. Also you are a rockstar with such a cool job and life, I'm starstruck I'm cool enough to be your friend.)

To my friends, I have always been the single one. I don't often fawn over wanting a boyfriend and only occasionally join in the the giggles over the hot guy at the bar. (Unless it's the bartender at Jax, then always). I have always been adamant that I am too young, too confused and too naive to fall in love. That I had to figure my life out before tying it to someone else's as well. I always saw love as something that might happen, but not worth trying to pursue (which often led me to ignore opportunities).

But everything change when the fire nation attacked.

Just kidding, it all changed when I moved away. I lost my foundation I had become so accustomed to I didn't see it being left behind. I had noticed the shift in my friendships as one by one they went from single to in a relationship, but I didn't see what it truly meant until I didnt have them there anymore. I realised that these relationships my friends had with these wonderful people helped strengthen their foundation when the one they shared with their friends parted ways.

When I moved away it was a huge loss Ihadn't fully comprehended and it made me realise how special falling in love could actually be. I know the silly fairy tales and have watched the cheesey rom-coms, but starting over again in a new city with new people forced my perspective of how important their relationships must feel to them. To have a best friend to be by their side, a person committed to the good and the bad purely out of devotion. I know this is vomit worthy, but my friends have shifted, ever so slightly, my perspective on what it is to find someone who you want to dedicate part of your life to.

I'm not saying I'm going to sign up for match.com or start flirting with bartenders. I just realise that sometimes it's worth it to say hello to the stranger, or to smile back to the guy across the room.

I definitely don't have any plans to fall in love. It's never been a plan of mine. But the big shift, is that I'm not planning against it anymore either. It is something so small, but in my world an earthquake has just shifted the very foundation of my core.

"Take a breath, take it in. We may not be here again. Don't waste time on fear, whole we're here."

Today has been hard. I'm trying not to be so gloom and doom, but I've spent the past two days playing away in the parks, and I've gone to bed both nights feeling empty. I feel like it's hollow laughs and half smiles. I know I'm distracted, but I realise as I step forward in a completely new direction there are completely new things I want to have in my life. I just don't know how to pursue these things. For everything else, I've had a game plan and my life now is a game of Russian Roulette. I didn't have anything planned to write today, however I have something I wrote a bit back that I'd like to share.

I am the girl with the heart of clay.

Let me tell you a little about ceramics.

What is clay? A mixture of water and dirt.

It's moulded to create beautiful things, unusual things, functional things.

After being shaped, the clay dries out leaving the form fragile and weak. The smallest flick could shatter this bone dry structure.

There's a solution to this, however. Something to make it stronger. Heat it up. Dowse it in flame, solidify the bonds of clay and turn it to stone. This too is a careful process, however. Too quick and the the form could shatter. If it survives the first firing, it goes again, glazed with different elements to create a unique surface.

Even though all of this strengthens the form, it does not become invincible. It still should be handled with care.

If dropped it could shatter.

The pieces finding themselves swept away.

I am the girl with the heart of clay.

I have been in the kiln.

I have been dropped.

I have been swept aside.

Originating in Japan, there is a technique called Kintsugi. Repairing ceramics with gold. Embracing the flaws and restoring its beauty. The process requires patience and care as each piece is found and put together.

So I am the girl with the heart of clay.

I have been through the kiln.

I have been shattered.

And I wait for the day to be restored with gold.

How often do people blog? Once a day? Once a week? I haven't quite figured this out yet. I feel the need to incessantly write down everything I feel all the time. The notes app on my phone is full of things I didn't have a place to put. Short stories, poems, controversy ramblings. A blog seems to be relatively the best place to put all of these things. It's an internal struggle, however. I find that many of these things are very personal. I dedicate much of my time to not being sappy or deep (like, annoying hipster deep). I like to be thought of as realistic and level-headed. One of my best friends Sara is probably the only person who has seen all of my writing, not because I think it's bad, but rather she has shown me great vunerability within our friendship and through that has earned my trust and respect to show the same to her.

Because of this, I constantly want to give myself challeges. I'm flaky by nature. Commitment to things stress me out. However, once I have committed I become feircely loyal. So I plan on over-doing it here. My challenge is to post constantly, filling this blog with the widest variety of content. To end this post, I'll leave you all with some of my writings found deep within my notes.

I have this mantra I live by. It's not deep, it's not religious or complex. It is simple and the one fact I am absolutely certain of on this earth. I will die alone. Now I may be married 50 years and struck down by lightning while holding my spouses hand, but when that happens, I will be alone. Once I get beyond my fear of death, I realize that if I am not living for myself, to find happiness, I will be my own demise. I will be haunted by regrets of both decisions I made and did not. I understand how incredibly selfish this sounds, however this is the only part of this mantra that layers into complexity. If I do not practice kindness, compassion and caring for others I will be haunted by my moral compass. I will have stripped away my very humanity. Very often I find the best ways I am living for myself is when I am living for others. It is a balance. I refuse to be walked all over, yet I refuse to push others aside for wanton desire. The decisions I make I make for myself, but not necessarily to benefit me.

I will die alone. This is the one fact I am certain of.

I will die alone, but I will not let that stop me from living.

I have several times over the years attempted to become a blogger. It has never been my thing, despite the fact that I consistently write long post of Facebook expressing my sentiments on the world. Therefore, after much persuasion from a friend at work, I have decided to try once again. I have to say this is appropriately timed as I transition from living the life I always thought I'd live to jumping head-first into the world with a new dream and no idea how to pursue it. This time, I plan on dedicated the blog more to the events of my life. Cooking, Art and Social Commentary will probably be the main focuses of this blog, but I'm sure I'll be sprinkling in a few random posts about other things as well. I think the biggest issue I've always had is having a theme for my blog to follow. So this is my disclaimer that if I keep up with this blog, it will not have a theme. It will be whatever I feel deserves a post. I hope to gain followers along the way, however if even one person reads this and relates I guess that's enough.

Recently, I heard this song called We Don't Know Anything and this saying alone has been a huge help moving forward in life without a game plan. I had always, for as long as I can remember, been sure of what I wanted to get out of life. I had goals, dreams, plans. Yet somehow, despite following everything to make these dreams a reality I kept finding myself unhappy.

Per typical reaction to finding something inspiring, especially a quote, I created a little bit of art to go along with it.

So here's to a future I don't know a thing about.

Wow. The internet. This great huge invention. A place to connect and be inspired.
And I have connected! I have been inspired! Yet every time I shut my laptop, I end up being left with a feeling of depression.

Today I discovered two new artists who's styles are beautiful and inspirational.

Brittney Lee

http://britsketch.blogspot.com/

- A beautiful paper artist who's innovative and whimsical designs are literally a home run for what I would like to be able to do with my life. The way she manipulates the paper makes me swoon!

Steve Thompson

http://stevethompson-art.tumblr.com/

- A master with pen and paper, his sketches are beautiful and a true delight.

The thing is, both are artists for Disney, and both have jobs that I want to fight for so much.

But I feel impossibly trapped. How do I break it big into the place of my dreams? Steve Thompson was going to SoCal when, at 19, he was recruited.

SoCal. I would have given my legs to go there.

I guess... I'm just feeling pretty worthless at the moment and sadly all the things that normally cheer me up are bringing me down even more.

On a side note. Since this is an art blog. I will show some art.

Today I worked on this drawing--

Im actually pretty proud of this drawing. My poses are usually pretty stagnate. This one actually has a lot of motion invested in it. However, I'm not as happy with the colors. I may re-do the drawing.
(or may try my hand at some paper crafting..)

Ugh. Until next time.

-Hannah Kra

Hannah Kra

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